I have always thought of life as being much like a bridge. We are essentially trying to get from Point A to Point B in our lives, although these bridges that I sometimes imagine are anything but straight. Life is always full of little surprises and we never know which way our life will turn in the future. Every bridge however, as most of you probably know, needs a steady way to support itself from the elements. It also needs to be built in a manner that is strong yet flexible, and will withstand the test of time. This is why a lot of bridges today are built with different cables of sorts and triangles (they are the strongest shape). As I think about this, I have to pose the question... what are the support structures in our own lives? The majority of my support in life comes from a simple word - faith. By putting my faith in God, in my family and friends, in my significant other, I am simply believing that there will be a line of trust in my life - a cable that will hold my bridge up and make it even sturdier. It is this faith that I can hold onto through any storm that my bridge may encounter... and instead of being a torn down bridge, I find myself having a stronger bridge because of that storm. Perhaps instead of deciding where to build our bridges, we should first look for a support system that will allow us to get there. A support system in which we can put our trust and faith in, even if it is a bit risky at times. Because without the proper support, we would simply be a sunken road.
So on this day meant usually just for lovers, I say Happy Valentine's Day to my support system - to God, to Jake, to my sister Lori, to TD, to Courtney, to Diesel... and the rest of my friends here on teh Interweb and in the "real world" - thank you for your love, support, and friendship. Without you, I wouldn't be nearly as strong as I am today. I love you all.
Tuesday, February 14, 2006
Monday, February 6, 2006
You Can't Always Get What You Want
"...You can't always get what you want
But if you try sometimes you might find
You get what you need..."
The Rolling Stones may not have been spiritual gurus, but they sure got it right on this one. At times, I think that it's the soundtrack of my life. At the risk of not saying anything new or unique, sometimes getting what we want from life can be to our own detriment. What do you want? It seems like a simple enough question. If you are hungry you desire some food. If your throat is dry, some water would be nice. Sick? How about medicine? Easy enough. But apply that same question - What do you want? - to the interpersonal relationship between a woman and a man and the great majority of us go blindingly stupid.
Perhaps I am misstating the problem. Maybe the answer is just too obvious. What do you want? Why, I want it all, of course! Freedom, security, sex, friendship, money, status, fun, excitement, yada, yada, yada. It is somewhere in this surreal world of expectation and hope that the real answer to the male/female quandary lies. I think.
You see the problem lies in the fact most of us don't know how to balance what we want with what we need. It seems to me our basic problem with the opposite sex is how often we misconstrue need with want. (Folks, this can't be that hard to understand if a guy like Mick Jagger gets it.) A real life example you ask? Sure.
A female relative (okay, okay - ME) for years dated the same kind of guy over and over. Big, handsome, usually athletic, and more often than not - dumb as a box of rocks or an outright asshole. Despite the glory of the outside package, all of them seemed to possess some kind of emotionally restrictive malaise - bitchy psychotic ex, IRS troubles, deep and abiding love of illicit substances - which inevitably kept them from being "the guy." These prime examples of manliness never failed to fail, and eventually even she (I) grew tired of the whole thing. Vowing to change, she (I) eventually met a very intelligent man who not only could spell c-o-m-m-i-t-m-e-n-t but who also knew what it meant. And no, he was not a geek. On the contrary he was exceedingly good looking, athletic, and had no state or federal agencies looking for him. Nirvana, right? Wrong! Mr. Right had a problem no amount of rationalization could conquer - he was too perfect. Yes, you read this correctly. Because he did not have an air of mystery, intrigue, and danger I very soon found him boring. Predictably, the relationship eventually fell apart of its own accord.
I'm not trying to pick on just the women out there. I know plenty of men who have also made a career out of dating boat anchor women (and I use that term loosely) whom nobody would ever think of as the sharpest knife in the drawer. These women usually look great in a bikini, or perhaps are all-stars between the sheets, or maybe are just a warm body. Just as often as women, guys stay in relationships because they simply don't like to be alone. Other men I have known seem to make a habit of getting into relationships with "stress junkies," those women who love to live life in crisis.
The bottom line in the human relationship dilemma is that for us to get anything even close to what we need we first have to understand what it is we really want. Not what we think we want, but what we really, really want. And not just from our significant other but from ourselves as well. That being accomplished, we should turn our attention to what it is we are willing to give up in the process. Yes, that's right - you actually have to give something to get something back in life.
I'm not suggesting we should settle for less all the time, but then again, what have we been doing anyway? Too often we let looks or some other superficial bullshit have too much bearing on who we spend our lives with. I understand that looks are important - nobody wants to date Quasimoto - but if that is the primary focal point you choose for a relationship, then you had better know going in that you may already be in trouble. Losers come in all shapes and sizes, but so do winners. Think about that the next time you get the itch to try something new.
Just maybe there's greater learning in not having our desires completely met. Okay, obviously. But, often getting to the core of that learning takes patience and an openness to considering other possibilities. Take time to slow down, get curious, and reflect on what's there. Because you may not ever get exactly what you want, but sometimes... you might end up getting just what you need.
But if you try sometimes you might find
You get what you need..."
The Rolling Stones may not have been spiritual gurus, but they sure got it right on this one. At times, I think that it's the soundtrack of my life. At the risk of not saying anything new or unique, sometimes getting what we want from life can be to our own detriment. What do you want? It seems like a simple enough question. If you are hungry you desire some food. If your throat is dry, some water would be nice. Sick? How about medicine? Easy enough. But apply that same question - What do you want? - to the interpersonal relationship between a woman and a man and the great majority of us go blindingly stupid.
Perhaps I am misstating the problem. Maybe the answer is just too obvious. What do you want? Why, I want it all, of course! Freedom, security, sex, friendship, money, status, fun, excitement, yada, yada, yada. It is somewhere in this surreal world of expectation and hope that the real answer to the male/female quandary lies. I think.
You see the problem lies in the fact most of us don't know how to balance what we want with what we need. It seems to me our basic problem with the opposite sex is how often we misconstrue need with want. (Folks, this can't be that hard to understand if a guy like Mick Jagger gets it.) A real life example you ask? Sure.
A female relative (okay, okay - ME) for years dated the same kind of guy over and over. Big, handsome, usually athletic, and more often than not - dumb as a box of rocks or an outright asshole. Despite the glory of the outside package, all of them seemed to possess some kind of emotionally restrictive malaise - bitchy psychotic ex, IRS troubles, deep and abiding love of illicit substances - which inevitably kept them from being "the guy." These prime examples of manliness never failed to fail, and eventually even she (I) grew tired of the whole thing. Vowing to change, she (I) eventually met a very intelligent man who not only could spell c-o-m-m-i-t-m-e-n-t but who also knew what it meant. And no, he was not a geek. On the contrary he was exceedingly good looking, athletic, and had no state or federal agencies looking for him. Nirvana, right? Wrong! Mr. Right had a problem no amount of rationalization could conquer - he was too perfect. Yes, you read this correctly. Because he did not have an air of mystery, intrigue, and danger I very soon found him boring. Predictably, the relationship eventually fell apart of its own accord.
I'm not trying to pick on just the women out there. I know plenty of men who have also made a career out of dating boat anchor women (and I use that term loosely) whom nobody would ever think of as the sharpest knife in the drawer. These women usually look great in a bikini, or perhaps are all-stars between the sheets, or maybe are just a warm body. Just as often as women, guys stay in relationships because they simply don't like to be alone. Other men I have known seem to make a habit of getting into relationships with "stress junkies," those women who love to live life in crisis.
The bottom line in the human relationship dilemma is that for us to get anything even close to what we need we first have to understand what it is we really want. Not what we think we want, but what we really, really want. And not just from our significant other but from ourselves as well. That being accomplished, we should turn our attention to what it is we are willing to give up in the process. Yes, that's right - you actually have to give something to get something back in life.
I'm not suggesting we should settle for less all the time, but then again, what have we been doing anyway? Too often we let looks or some other superficial bullshit have too much bearing on who we spend our lives with. I understand that looks are important - nobody wants to date Quasimoto - but if that is the primary focal point you choose for a relationship, then you had better know going in that you may already be in trouble. Losers come in all shapes and sizes, but so do winners. Think about that the next time you get the itch to try something new.
Just maybe there's greater learning in not having our desires completely met. Okay, obviously. But, often getting to the core of that learning takes patience and an openness to considering other possibilities. Take time to slow down, get curious, and reflect on what's there. Because you may not ever get exactly what you want, but sometimes... you might end up getting just what you need.
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