Thursday, June 11, 2009

Dear Lady Who Works in My Office

Really? You're getting married? It's news to me. After all, you only call your mother to talk about it five trillion times a day. Loudly. Sometimes you call your sister and your best friend and have the exact same conversation again, this time adding, "well, my mom said..." You then seek out random coworkers and start the process all over again. Lather. Rinse. Repeat. Every fucking day. Look lady on the other side of the cubicle wall whom I've never met - I am happy for you. I am sure you and your fiancé will live happily ever after and have 2.5 wonderful WASPy children and drive 2.3 nice, but sensible cars; but if you mention this Goddamned mother fucking wedding one more time I am going to rip the mouse from your computer and strangle you with the fucking cord. Hey - I am all for the institution of marriage, whether it be among gay couples or straight couples. Interracial or homogenous. Animal, Vegetable or Mineral. I myself am married. But I swear to God that your holy union will not come to pass if I hear you prattle on about each and every minute fucking detail one more time. This may come as a HUGE shock to you, but no one in this office is lying awake at night worrying or coming in from the parking lot at a dead run, kicking over little old ladies in an attempt to get here as fast as we can in order to overhear what GODDAMN FLOWER ARRANGEMENT YOU FINALLY DECIDED ON!

What? You decided to get white roses instead of red? Stop the presses! You decided on Pastor Bill instead of Pastor Tom? I can now sleep at night! Your Great Aunt Edna says she can make it after all? Hooray! Here I thought she wouldn't make it.

Really. Shut. The fuck. Up. Do you really think we want to hear which hotel it is you are going to put all the guests in? I guess you do because every morning you regale us with an update on everything from square footage of the rooms to the layout of the fucking bathrooms. Seriously? The bathrooms? Do YOU even care about this? Do you honestly think that I go home wondering where you and your fiancé will finally decide to place the cake in the reception hall? Sure, the corner would be nice and out of the way, but don't you want it in the center, where all can see you so cutely shove cake in his face? Well, I don't think about it. The only thing I really ever think about is how I hope you drop the fucking knife you cut the cake with and impale your fiancé's foot.

Look - you're not special, you're not different. This isn't the first wedding in the history of the world. People get married every fucking day. This isn't the most important day of your life, though I've heard you say that no less than 10 times a day. I swear to Christ, if I hear that little gem pass your lips again, I will personally write and hand-deliver a letter of condolence to the groom, expressing my sympathies at having married such a self-absorbed, self-important cunt. If your wedding day is the most important day of your life, you, my dear, are profoundly fucked up.

So, lady on the other side of the cubicle wall whom I've never met, if you do want to wear that pretty nice dress (whose picture, incidentally, you have shown me, a person you don't even know, on at least 15 different occasions), you will kindly shut your fucking mouth before I, and everyone else in this office, take turns beating you like a fucking piñata. On a similar note, if the word "fiancé" slips out of your mouth one more time, you'd better prepare yourself for a severe and merciless gouging of the eyes with the first letter opener I can find.
Anyway, congratulations on the engagement. Bitch.

Saturday, June 6, 2009

Closed Doors

"When one door closes another door opens; but we so often look so long and so regretfully upon the closed door, that we do not see the ones which open for us." - Alexander Graham Bell

We hear this quote, or one quite similar to it all the time, whenever something bad happens in our lives. The breakup of a relationship, the loss of a job, whenever those things happen, someone will invariably pull out this phrase, nodding wisely as if they are imparting the most important piece of wisdom in the universe. We hear the phrase often, but do we ever really listen to it, think about what it means, follow its words?

Not too long ago, I lost someone in my life. More than just someone who had captured my heart, he'd also become my friend, my closest confidant. At the time, it seemed like the end of my world. I moped around, did nothing but lament the end of the relationship, and generally make everyone around me miserable. Of course, someone pulled out the old "when one door closes..." phrase, and of course, I merely rolled my eyes like I had every other time I'd heard it. But later on, when I was alone, I heard those same words again, and I thought about them. I decided that instead of continuing to look at the closed door that was my past relationship, I'd look at the world through different eyes. I decided to look for those doors around that might be opening, to keep an open mind and explore whatever opportunities that presented themselves. I decided that what the hell - I had nothing to lose, right?

So that's what I did. I went places, I did things, I talked to people. I got on with my life. And you know what? Eventually, other doors did open, and had I not kept an open mind, they would have passed me by unnoticed. But instead, I saw each open door for what it was, took a deep breath, and walked on through. And I cannot say that for one second that I've regretted that decision.

For those of you going through something that it seems you cannot get through, let me share what I've finally learned at the age of 31...

Whatever it is you're stuck on, let it go. Look to your future. We will always see the past as better than it was, the present as worse than it is, and the future as more unclear than it truly will be. The brightest future will always be based on a forgotten past. You can't go forward in life until you let go of your past failures and heartaches.

Be open to new opportunities, new friendships, new loves. Trust in the fact that everything happens for a reason. It's a cliche, it's trite and overused, but generally it's true. You never know what lies around the next corner - it could be the love of your life, the job of your dreams, or anything in between. Don't close your heart or mind to that possibility.

Be happy. The happiest of people don't necessarily have the best of everything, they just make the most of everything that comes along their way. Learn to enjoy every minute of your life. Be happy NOW. Dont wait for something outside of yourself to make you happy in the future. Think how really precious is the time you have to spend, whether its with friends or with your family.

Be what you want to be, because you have only one life and one chance to do all the things you want to do. Dream what you want to dream. Go where you want to go. Life is too short to spend it hoping to change the unchangeable, and wanting what you cannot have.

Don't waste your life looking at that closed door and hoping that it will magically reopen. Ninety-nine percent of the time, it won't. Instead, look for those doors that are opening around you all the time. Find that open door meant for you, and go through it. You never know what awaits you on the other side.